"You cannot always wait for the perfect time. Sometimes you must dare to jump."-M. Monroe
I DID IT
I couldn't believe it but I did it.
I did it with half and half tears forking from each corner of my eyes. Puddling on anything that would catch it.
Half sadness. Half relief.
My tense arms, bear-hugging a cardboard box overflowing with figurines and picture frames.
I stood before an empty desk — former home to the contents of my cardboard box and looked around. The place always looked so deceivingly peaceful in the evening hours.
I said a silent farewell to the people I had been through so much with. A heaviness in my heart without a proper goodbye.
But I knew, if not now — never.
If I saw their faces the next day, I had and would have bent over backwards again.
If I saw their faces the next day, my spine would lose it's courage brace.
It would go like this...
I'd convince myself that things weren't that bad. I could give it another shot as I did 10,000 times before...
I could afford to work through another lunch.
Be reprimanded for someone else's screw-up.
Play damage control with another bill collector or pissed off customer just because it was my job to answer the phone.
Stay after hours cleaning up someone else's mess while they call it a day at 2pm.
Get sick or miscarry again.
Get into another fight with my boyfriend because stress deteriorated my sanity.
Be constantly reminded of the death of my innocent co-worker who lost his life in that building.
Standby to watch another clueless 5-figure-a-month GM get hired on only to see him fail and destroy another part of the company.
I could hang with that as I did so often before.
But that was the night I decided I couldn't.
I turned off the lights. Walked out the door. And never looked back.
I followed through with a promise I made to myself.
It remains one of my biggest victories to this day.
GIVE IT UP FOR SELF-PDA
Simply put...I became intolerant of what didn't have the same respect for me that I did.
I grew a backbone.
I began my personal development journey around four months prior to quitting.
I studied. Researched. Meditated. Listened to podcasts. Read books. Journaled. Explored. Absorbed. Observed. Discovered. I didn't realize how mehydrated I was. Thirsty to learn about me. To demystify.
I had aha moments that would rival Einstein's.
I yearned to be happier, more positive, express more gratitude and appreciation for simplicity and small victories.
When you reach that mindset, the negativity around you becomes a stark contrast to your bright intentions. When you reach that level of consciousness, you become aware of whatever is no longer serving you.
But most importantly, you develop a self-love that you would sacrifice nothing for. Because you worked so hard to get there...to that place you've never been before.
The place where you start keeping promises to yourself.
Life knows what you need and fills the gaps when it sees fit. Trust.
Why do we hesitate to believe in ourselves enough to jump?
Since when were we forced to settle for jobs that chip away at our radiancy? That have the sole intention of crumbling our core? That deplete and defeat the dreams of the little one inside of us?
Because we lack self-love. Faith. Confidence.
Courage enough to jump.
But in reality...
We are survivors. For ourselves. For others who depend on us.
But what good is anyone if they're not "inside" happy?